I've relapsed... It's embarrasing

When will this end?

I have been secretly self-destructing for the past few months, nay years. I have allowed my old habits to creep back into my routine and I hate to see it happen. Something must be done. In the past week I have spent just shy of twenty-two hours total on my phone, that is almost an entire day lost and nothing to show from it. I am taking action. I am ashamed to admit and I don’t think many of my friends would suspect it but my name is Nancy and I’m a secret scroller.

Whilst I was living in Australia in 2022, in fact it was the 26th May, two days after my twentieth birthday, I deleted all my social media - Instagram, Snapchat, Tiktok, cold turkey. It was the best thing I ever did. I was addicted to it and I’m ashamed to say I have fallen back into old habits, don’t they say that part of rehab is a relapse? That social-media free haven gave me the confidence that I really need right now. I know there is only one solution for this problem but at the moment it seems so much harder. But why?

It is making me sad just thinking about what I have missed out on over the past few months of self-justified doom-scrolling, the little moments that I relished - the cringey things such as hearing the birds singing or seeing a child falling over and laughing to myself (sorry I can’t help it). I seem to make myself think it's ok because I have a twenty minute time limit on my apps, however, we all know how easy it is to press ‘15 more minutes’ over and over until you realise it has been two hours. I think part of the shame I have surrounding this is that I know I can do it, I just can’t bring myself to press delete. Actually that is a lie, I have deleted the apps over and over again but always seem to re-download. The most recent excuse I gave myself to redownload the app was to stalk a boy from Hinge on Instagram, did that lead to anything? Obviously not, that would have been headline news my friend.

So what would I be missing out on? I quite like posting my silly little stories and seeing what my friends are having for lunch but I have zero recollection of missing those things during my aforementioned hiatus. The thing that keeps me from pulling the trigger this time around is my photography. I have an account specifically dedicated to my photos and in this day and age (ok grandma calm down) as a photographer your main portfolio and way of finding jobs is on Instagram. My issue is I’m all or nothing. If the app isn’t on my phone you best believe I’ll be on instagram.com on Safari or on my laptop doing the same scrolling just getting more frustrated; I would be scrolling Youtube shorts and in a pinch there’s old faithful Facebook.

My dilemma, which has a very simple solution, is that the part of me that is addicted to Instagram reels keeps reminding me that if I delete my Instagram I will cease to exist as a photographer. Well this might be a hard pill to swallow but I don’t yet exist (in an official capacity) as a photographer. I know that I won’t become a Magnum photographer any time soon, maybe one day. A girl needs to dream. But I don’t think having a social media cleanse this summer will have a long term effect on my career options, or will it? Maybe on friendships? There are some people I only converse with via Instagram and these are people I want to keep in touch with. What happens if I delete my instagram and never see them again? Well they obviously aren’t lifelong friends.

This post has turned into an argument with myself, the devil on my shoulder is thinking about all the health and wellness life hacks I might miss out on or the weird horrendously inappropriate memes I could be sending my friends; whereas the sweet little angel is thinking of how grounded I would be. The funny thing is I’m here worrying about not sharing my photography on Instagram when I know for a fact I will produce exponentially better images without the distraction of my phone. The truth is I haven’t really been shooting pictures in the past few months, not as much as I would like to, I think this is my turning point.

I get an intense pang of jealousy when I hear someone say ‘oh I don’t have Instagram’. I wish that was me. I wish I didn’t have a phone at all. Oh to be living in the Austen era, lounging on a chaise longue with my needlework and taking a ‘turn’ about the room. All I really want is to live in the countryside next to a body of water of some form in an old farmhouse completely cut off from the outside world. But then I would also not turn down a jet-set career as a photojourno being shipped off to a far flung location with a camera and instructions on what to document. Bloody hell love make up your mind.

Stop fuc*ing moaning about it and delete it, it’s not that simple… or maybe it is? I think I have convinced myself I’m going to do it right now.

I did it, I even put up a cringe story just so no-one started to worry about my safety, sorry fans but this will suffice for now. I’m embarrassing myself thinking that anyone actually cares what goes on in my life. But I’ve got a big ego, who am I to deny that.

I’m preparing for the worst, don’t be surprised if I’m back on nancyparish_photgraphy - it's for professional purposes I promise.

In Amman news, I have moved into my homestay. I'm yet to meet the host Mum but I have heard great things. I’m sharing a room with a mystery girl whom I am yet to meet. Updates to come. I already feel a connection with her fridge magnet collection and sign of hoarding so we’ll get along.

!أحلاو سعيدة حبيبي